i think my body has decided to stop liking corn. maybe that’s it anyway. it shoots through me pretty fast tho, and when i don’t eat it i start crapping out solid again. the other day i ate two corn on the cobs and man the next morning it was like i had something living in my gut just trying to escape, it was like a full-blown explosion in the toilet. anyway, just thought you might want to know.

the funniest thing on earth is self important people who think they actually have something to say on their blog, when in reality everyone just laughs at how important they think they are. take me for example, the only person who reads my blog is my wife and i know it, so i don’t really care what i say here. i could rant on about how scientology is a scam started by a burnt-out sci-fi author and how hilarious it is that famous people actually get sucked in by it on a regular basis, but what’s the point? everyone else already said it about 350 times over or more. i think the more important issue is that i had some pretty bad gas this morning and when casey walked into our bedroom she had to deal with it. in the end though, i thought it was pretty funny. i mean she asked me what time it was and i responded with a big fart. what could be better than that?

here’s a story for you.

once upon a time this dude went out and bought a computer. so he took it home and it came with a 3 month trial of norton antivirus. so he uses it for 3 months, and when it expires he decides he doesn’t want to pay to continue using norton, so he downloads avg and installs that. heaven forbid a virus enter this “brand new” computer so he makes sure that windows firewall is turned on, as well as norton’s, email scanning options for both norton and avg are enabled, and just to make sure that everything is fine he decides to get the free version of zone alarm and click no to every alert that pops up. ah yes, his system is secure and nothing will be attacking him! hey wait, why can’t he check his email? norton never caused him any problems before! whatever could be wrong?

it’s a sad tale that is truer than anyone could ever imagine, and i hear it at least 5-6 times a day.

warez kiddies always love to blame the isp. warezdeluxepalacecraphole.com is down, but every other website on the internet works fine? must be your isp. your wireless router connected 2 closed doors and a floor away is only giving you 70kB/sec downloads on kazaa lite? well hey, that’s gotta be your isp! and they always play like you’ve gotta be really dumb and straight-laced, like i’ve never heard the term warez before, or i need to have the concept of file sharing explained to me, or i don’t know what irc is. oh of course! i’ve haven’t been using all this stuff since 1996 or anything, please explain to me what efnet is! i’ve never heard of it and i need some 17 year old kid in his parents’ basement to explain it to me. what was that? you disabled your firewall and it all started working out of nowhere? no kidding, i never would have guessed. you’re telling me you rebooted your computer and now you can connect to msn fine? woah! that sure was hard! so norton has never given you a problem before, has it? there’s a first time for everything buddy. there’s a reason i’m paid to do this, and it’s not because i’m stupid. the stupidest thing i do every day is assume that just because you know how to renew your ip address without me spoonfeeding directions to you that you might have some sort of an idea of what you’re doing. guess i was wrong.

i warn you, this is horrible to look at!
who thought that that was a good idea? i mean really. ronald looks like he smokes crack. grimace looks like a junkie strung out on heroin. hamburglar looks like some sort of drug dealer wannabe. birdie is just disgusting, i can’t even think of how to describe birdie. the chicken mcnuggets? they’re horrible as well, and those fryguys are just stupid looking, they look like they were drawn by an idiot. the stupid dog looks like an animated turd more than a sundae and i feel bad for that tika kid for having to hang out with them. alright, i’m done.

when i ask you if you have a router, i do not mean your cable modem. when i tell you to unplug your router, i do not mean your cable modem. do you understand what i’m saying? for all intents and purposes, your cable modem is not a router. thank you.

here’s a mystery. why is it that the thing of honey you get at mcdonald’s with your chicken nuggets is half the size of the ones they make for bbq sauce and sweet & sour and crap like that? all you sweet & sour lovers are fine, you have these massive tubs of sauce to dip nuggets in, but us honey people get this stupid little thing the size of a sugar packet. are people who eat honey not as good as the rest of you? what makes it worse is that they pretend there’s enough honey in that tiny little package to use for a whole 6 pack of nuggets. i mean really, you’d be lucky to get 3 good nuggets from one of those little things. every once in a while you get a smart person who just grabs a handful of 3 or 4 packets, but usually they give you 1 for a 6 pack or 2 for a 10 pack. then you gotta bug them for more and half the time they only give you one more packet. it’s even worse for me, cuz i’m one of those freaks that dips my french fries in honey and i need a pack for that too. so really, i need at least 4 of them for a 10 pack meal. sometimes people get it but usually they don’t. and it’s even worse when you go to burger king, because they have bigger nuggets (tenders… wooooooo…) and they don’t even give you real honey! at least mcdonald’s gives you real honey! at burger king you get this lighter runnier “honey flavored sauce” crap. is there some sort of corporate honey shortage out there somewhere? why do these companies always skimp on the honey? the answer may never be known…

so today i popped all the keys off my keyboard and rearranged them into the dvorak layout. this lasted all of 15 minutes before i got sick of looking at my keyboard and moved them all back. i do, however, think that doing this to someone would make a great practical joke.

in further news, yesterday i got an early birthday present from my perfect new wife and i’m really happy with it. it’s a reissue stepper and i’m really happy with it. my wife is better than your wife! hahahahaha!

so i’ve wanted a hori digital controller for a while… they look pretty nice, and the snes controller is easily my favorite controller ever… so one day i up and decide i’m gonna search around for the best deal i can find on one and order it. so eventually i find this place where they’re being sold for $15… i figure that looks like a decent price so i order one, wait a few weeks, and eventually it comes. only it’s not a hori controller, it’s a pelican retro pad. not only is it not what i ordered, but it’s loose and everything. so i’m not very impressed with this. the controller feels cheap and crappy, and from all reviews i’ve read on the hori one it feels like an official nintendo product. also it’s like twice as thick as a snes controller, and i’m just not all that pleased. so i email them back and they tell me to send it back and they’ll send me out the right controller. so i mail it back, wait another 3 weeks or so, and then i get a slip in the mail that i have to pay $8 at the post office to pick up a parcel. i haven’t ordered anything else, so i assume it’s the controller. the weird thing is, i never had to pay customs the first time. anyway when i pick it up the customs form says i paid $18 for it… so i check their website wheni get home and sure enough they have the hori controller marked up to $18, and the pelican one is now listed (i don’t remember seeing it before) right beside it for $13. anyway, it’s nearly 2 months later so i’m just gonna let it all slide now, it just sucks that after mailing the thing back and paying customs fees and all i end up waiting like 2 months and paying an extra $14 or so more than i had planned on. luckily, the controller is pretty much everything i expected. i might even pick up a second one, but it definitely won’t be from the console corner.

so most of this is a bunch of late 80s/early 90s stuff and i’m bored so i’m just gonna make a list of things i remember in no apparent order…

• when ytv got taken over by a puppet and renamed wtv for a few days - the commercials were entertaining for this and it made for fun tv. warren was always fun for a rude green fuzzy thing. my favorite was when he changed “dennis the menace” to “dennis the annoying little snot”. oh this was fun.
• the ultimate warrior throwing up - green projectile vomit. good stuff.
• the legend of zelda commercial - the one with the two nerdy kids that my brother and i ripped.
• andre the giant honeycomb commercial - honeycomb’s big! yeah yeah yeah! it’s not small! no no no!
• darkwing duck series premiere - i rememeber this being really hyped and it turned out being my favorite disney cartoon ever, next to gargoyles. the fact that launchpad was in it just made it that much better.
• the quebec referendum - yeah i was up all night watching this, making fun of the stupid seperatists.
• jack the lego maniac - i still think about that song when i think about lego. like all the time.
• the divorce commercial - a commercial for a show called “why divorce affects children”. i was scared to death of the commercial because there was this picture of a kid’s face being cut in half and i thought his face was actually being cut in half, not a photo… yeah i was pretty young…
• you can’t do that on television - there are 3 moments that stick out in my mind the most… the episode where the french guy was working backstage and dumped water on the head of anyone who said “oh”, the episode from later on when alistair stuck his haed out of the locker and he was grown up and that girl went nuts over him, and the one where barth made burgers out of hockey pucks.
• coke commercial - the one with the fake pepsi taste test where the guy kept picking coke instead.
• ibm os/2 commercial - with the nun who talks about waiting for microsoft’s new “chicago” that keeps getting delayed. hahahahaha.
• denver the last dinosaur - just the first episode though… that was the most important. and the theme song was annoyingly catchy.
• captain n/legend of zelda crossover - best part of captain n ever, easily… oh yeah.
• super mario 3 commercial - all the people with different colored shirts chanting MARIO! MARIO! until it zoomed out on the planet with mario’s face. that was really cool. too bad i’d already been playing the game for months considering i had 2 friends who both had pirate carts of the japanese version. hehehe…

anyway, that’s my list for the day… hope you had fun. and i was way too lazy to even look for screenshots or videos. if you can find any then knock yourself out! woooo…